Unpacking Real Self Care: Beyond the "I Have Therapy" Aesthetic

Real self care is not an aesthetic or a chore to be documented; it is whatever genuinely helps your nervous system return to a state of relative calm and safety. It's the subtle art of listening to your body's signals and responding with practices that foster genuine regulation, rather than performative displays.

The Allure of the "I Have Therapy" Cadence

The recent surge in online content featuring people proclaiming "I have therapy. Cut to: [insert mundane, real-life regulation activity]" offers a telling insight into our collective exhaustion with performative wellness. This format, often dubbed the "I have therapy meme" or "I have therapy POV," resonates because it strips away the artifice. It implicitly states that therapy, in its broadest sense, is not always a grand ritual or a perfectly staged tableau. Instead, it's often the quiet, unglamorous moments of intentional self-attunement that truly shift our internal state. The irony, of course, is that even this relatable content can become another form of "performative wellness" if its internal logic isn't properly decoded.

This phenomenon underscores a profound truth: genuine nervous system self care is less about the Instagram reel and more about the internal re-regulation. We've been sold a bill of goods, perhaps, that self-care must be lavish, expensive, or visually appealing. The "I have therapy" trend, in its understated cadence, taps into a universal longing for authenticity in spaces that often feel saturated with manufactured perfection. It suggests that the most impactful forms of self-care are those that acknowledge our human limitations and our very real need for simple, grounding practices.

The most convincing acts of self-care are usually not broadcast for public consumption.

Beyond the Ventral Vagal Voodoo: Interoception as the Compass

Polyvagal theory (Porges, 2017) posits three primary nervous system states: the ventral vagal complex (the most recently evolved parasympathetic branch governing safety, social engagement, and calm), the sympathetic nervous system (our fight-or-flight response), and the dorsal vagal complex (an older parasympathetic branch associated with immobility, shutdown, and dissociation). Nervous system self care involves cultivating practices that support our return to a ventral vagal state when we're inevitably drawn into sympathetic arousal or dorsal shutdown. This isn't theoretical; it's felt in the body.

The key to navigating these states lies in interoception (the sense of the physiological condition of the body) (Craig, 2209). This internal compass allows us to perceive what's happening within us, often before it registers as a conscious thought. Are your shoulders creeping towards your ears? Is your jaw clenched? Is your breath shallow? These are all whispers from your nervous system. Learning to tune into these signals is the first step in genuinely responsive real self care. Without this internal sensing, we're simply guessing or following external dictates, which rarely land with the specificity needed for true re-regulation.

Cultivating Interoceptive Awareness

Breath Monitoring: Spend 3-5 minutes, twice daily, noticing the texture, depth, and rhythm of your breath without trying to change it.
Body Scan: Lie down and systematically bring attention to each part of your body, noting any sensations—tension, warmth, tingling—without judgment.
Sensory Check-in: Throughout the day, pause to notice what you can currently hear, see, smell, taste, and feel on your skin. These external anchors can ground an overactive internal state.
Visceral Observation: Pay attention to sensations in your gut. Is it churning? Relaxed? Our enteric nervous system is deeply intertwined with our brain's emotional centres [Carabotti et al., 2015].

The Regulation Tell: Your Body's Honest Feedback

The "regulation tell" is that subtle, undeniable internal shift that indicates your nervous system has moved towards a more organised, calmer state. It's the physical sigh of relief, the spontaneous softening of the jaw, the easing of tension in the gut, or the feeling of your shoulders dropping away from your ears. This isn't something you can fake. It's a physiological response, a clear indicator that what you just did actually worked for your internal landscape.

Performative wellness, by contrast, operates on the assumption that if it looks like self-care, it must be self-care. But a bubble bath, while lovely in theory for many, might feel suffocating or agitating for someone else. The true measure of any "self-care" activity lies in whether it produces your specific regulation tell, not whether it conforms to someone else's ideal. This is where the wisdom of the body truly takes precedence over cultural conditioning.

According to recent research, consistent engagement with interoceptive practices can enhance vagal tone and improve emotional regulation [Khalsa et al., 2017]. This means actively listening to your body's quieter signals can strengthen your capacity to manage stress responses.

Unpacking "Therapy": Real-World Regulators

If "therapy" is whatever genuinely regulates your nervous system, then it’s time to expand our definition beyond the couch (however valuable the couch may be). Here are three examples, ranging from the mundane to the surprisingly profound, that illustrate how genuine nervous system regulation often manifests in unassuming ways. These aren't prescriptive; they are invitations to observe your own regulation tells.

Example 1: The Coffee and the Soundtrack. Consider someone who routinely starts their day by having coffee, slowly, with music on. The "I have therapy" internal monologue here isn't about traditional talk therapy. It's about establishing a consistent, low-demand routine that signals safety. The slow sipping of coffee engages taste and smell, the music provides rhythmic auditory input (a known ventral vagal activator (Porges, 2017)), and the quiet contemplation allows for a gentle transition into the day, bypassing the abrupt cortisol spike of a rushed morning. The regulation tell might be a sustained, deeper breath, or a feeling of quiet readiness rather than panicked urgency. This isn't about the coffee being magic; it's about the deliberate pacing and sensory input creating a container for calm.

Example 2: Singing in the Kitchen Singing engages the vagus nerve through the muscles of the throat and diaphragm, naturally fostering a ventral vagal state (Porges, 2017). It’s also an expressive outlet, reducing the mental pressure cooker. When someone sings freely in their kitchen, perhaps while cooking or tidying, they are engaging in a spontaneous form of self-regulation. The “therapy” here is the liberation of sound, the rhythmic engagement of breath, and the uninhibited expression, often without an audience. The regulation tell might be a feeling of lightness, reduced tension in the chest, or a spontaneous smile. This is nervous system self care at its most pragmatic and least performative.

Example 3: The Quiet Observation in a Public Space Someone sitting on a park bench, simply observing the light filtering through the trees, or tracking the movement of passersby without engagement, is often engaged in a powerful form of co-regulation (the process of interacting with others or one's environment to establish a regulated state). This isn't about deep self-reflection, but about allowing the nervous system to attune to ambient rhythms and low-stakes social cues. Without the pressure to interact, the ventral vagal system can subtly engage with the safety of a shared, quiet space. The regulation tell here might be an expansion of peripheral vision, a reduction in the internal chatter, or a sense of having more space in their own body.

Ultimately, your own unique form of real self care is less about what you do and more about how your nervous system responds to it. Experiment, observe, and trust your body's regulation tells.

Common questions

What is performative wellness?

Performative wellness refers to self-care activities undertaken primarily for external validation or aesthetic presentation rather than genuine internal regulation. It often prioritises how an activity looks on social media (e.g., elaborate bath rituals, perfectly plated meals) over its actual felt impact on one's nervous system. The emphasis is on appearance, not on authentic physiological shift.

How does polyvagal theory relate to real self care?

Polyvagal theory provides a framework for understanding how our nervous system moves between states of safety, fight/flight, and shutdown. Real self care, informed by this theory, involves consciously engaging in activities that cue safety and promote a return to the ventral vagal state, thereby enhancing our capacity to regulate emotionally and physiologically. It's about intentional state management.

Can interoception be improved?

Yes, interoception can absolutely be improved with practice. Regular mindfulness exercises, body scans, breath awareness practices, and even specific interoceptive training protocols have been shown to enhance an individual's ability to perceive internal bodily sensations more accurately. This heightened awareness is crucial for discerning what genuinely contributes to one's real self care.

TL;DR

Real self care isn't about fitting into a preconceived notion of wellness. It's about developing interoceptive awareness to understand your body's signals and identifying the specific, often mundane, activities that genuinely shift your nervous system towards a state of calm and safety. These "regulation tells" are your internal compass, guiding you beyond performative gestures to effective nervous system self care. Ultimately, the most impactful forms of self-care are those you discover through quiet, honest self-observation.

Where to take this next inside Kokorology

If you're tired of self-care trends that feel more like chores, it's time to build a regulation practice that actually works for you. Understanding your unique nervous system signature is the first step.

We offer tools and guidance to help you decipher your body's whispers and build a resilient nervous system. Explore our foundational Anchors or consider personalised 1:1 coaching to forge a bespoke path to regulation. You can also start with our free regulation guide for immediate, actionable insights.